Hello! Here we are, on the bridge between 2017 and 2018. And I’d like to dedicate my last 2017 post to myself.
The other night, while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking of what happened to me throughout 2017. I was looking for words that could describe what was 2017 for me. And eventually, I found two.
After what happened recently in the world of K-pop, and seeing so many people on my Twitter timeline being heartbroken as much as I was, and retweeting all those encouraging words from all people around the world, and talking privately to some of my mutuals, I found out that all that I’ve been doing in the past 6 years was actually finding and healing myself.
I’ve been trying to “find myself” in a way lots of public figures have been talking about, like, completely abandoning what they had before to start a new life. All their speeches were about abrupt changes, and I was (and still am) a person who hates sudden changes. It’s usually hard for me to adapt to something new. And so I just kept, as what I thought, drowning myself deeper into the depression, which was partially still true.
Every night for the last 4 years, I went to bed with a thought, “Ah, I didn’t do anything for myself again. Ah, my day have been wasted again. My life is still meaningless.” It was already hard to let go of my past feelings towards my ex-boyfriend, but it was even harder to get through the remaining sadness caused by the realization that I didn’t have anything to enjoy or live for. Sure I had those little hobbies I did here and there, but I never could realize how important they were in my healing process up until this year.
I don’t wanna go around and teach people how to overcome the depression, because I know that there is no common way of doing that. I don’t think I even have rights to share my own experiences, although I have no problem talking about it in public. Screaming out in public, “I did this and it helped me with my depression!” sounds more like mocking other people that are still struggling day by day. If I really do sound so, I apologize.
I had nothing, I thought. I was suggested many things, including going for the second major or getting masters degree, which I really didn’t need due to the nature of my profession (translator, if you’re interested). And it’s not like I hated studying; I always find joy at learning new things, but only if those things are interesting to me. I’m still puzzled at what I could’ve gotten myself into for the new degree, as I couldn’t find anything that could make me go, “yes, I wanna learn that for serious”.
I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about the darkness inside me. Even when I had my very best friend, I couldn’t make myself talk to her because she was busy with her life, and I was only of a burden. My ex-boyfriend was aware of my depression, but he couldn’t help me, and I specifically didn’t accept his efforts in ensuring me because oh well, he’s worst at talking deep stuff. In the end, my high school friend messaged me that she was worried by our distance as well, and I felt relieved that I could talk openly about it, and managed to save the only long-term friendship I had in my life.
Throughout this year, I had several emotional breakdowns, and if not for my other best friend who’s been next to me for more than a year, I wouldn’t know how to overcome it. My friend would listen to all my fears and thoughts that had been hunting my mind for so long, and it helped me so much sorting out all the mess I had in my life and realize where I should’ve been going. I figured out what fears I had, and what mental problems aside depression I actually had. And the best part was that my best friend accepted it as it was, and knowing on my mental conditions, tried his best to make each of my days as less mentally painful as possible, and at the same time, going all along with my weirdness.
Then all the problems within my family almost completely dragged me back to the bottom. All remained images of me being thankful for having a normal family were crashed down within few mere sentences. I always was sort of proud that I was born to a ordinary, non-problematic parents, and finally realizing that nothing that my parents have done to me was mentally healthy or helpful really shattered all my vision. So I decided that I need to get rid of the burden of parents’ approval I always carried on myself. I tattooed a new resolution onto my skin, and decided that from now on, I shouldn’t be thinking that blood relationship can prevail the basic human rights.
And as I was sorting out everything that I’ve been doing throughout all these years, I suddenly came to my last realization, that K-pop really was the biggest help in me battling my depression. I knew that I would be enjoying Korean pop music for a long, long time, but up until now, I was hesitant as whether I could fully enjoy doing stuff related to it. I was afraid of dropping it just as I dropped many of my previous hobbies, but every single day I listened to K-pop and memorized dance moves, and kept imagining myself doing dance covers on regular basis. And every single time those thoughts were soothing and inspiring for me. I couldn’t figure out for almost 10 years how much of an impact K-pop had on me, and how much strength it gave me throughout whatever I’ve been doing with it.
This long journey to self realization finally came to a new station where it can have a break, reorganize things, and set up new goals for the further ride. And I can’t be more happy knowing now that I always had something I could runaway to whenever I felt that the world was too cruel.
Hearing my best friend say at the end of that night-long conversation, “Finally. You’re getting much better. I’m so proud of you.” is really the best thing that happened at the end of 2017. I really hope that 2018 for me will be full of new starts and new achievements, as I learn to be more tolerant and understandable, and that my depression will eventually find its rest.
Happy New Year.